bananas in space

Work.

2012-01-27T18:28:00.006-05:00

I think I've shared this a while back (good ol' xanga days), but I was just reminded of this poem while searching and applying to jobs yesterday. I think it's one of my favorite, or rather, it was one of the most memorable. I remember reading it for the first time in an English class in high school, and I just appreciated Philip Levine's realism -- his portrayal of the grittiness, the harsh, the simple in life. His words aren't pretentious or affected, but carry real emotion.

(On a random note, when am I ever going to be able to study poetry again? I appreciate the obligatory readings and assignments of our childhood/youth.)

What Work Is
by Philip Levine

We stand in the rain in a long line
waiting at Ford Highland Park. For work.
You know what work is--if you're
old enough to read this you know what
work is, although you may not do it.
Forget you. This is about waiting,
shifting from one foot to another.
Feeling the light rain falling like mist
into your hair, blurring your vision
until you think you see your own brother
ahead of you, maybe ten places.
You rub your glasses with your fingers,
and of course it's someone else's brother,
narrower across the shoulders than
yours but with the same sad slouch, the grin
that does not hide the stubbornness,
the sad refusal to give in to
rain, to the hours wasted waiting,
to the knowledge that somewhere ahead
a man is waiting who will say, "No,
we're not hiring today," for any
reason he wants. You love your brother,
now suddenly you can hardly stand
the love flooding you for your brother,
who's not beside you or behind or
ahead because he's home trying to
sleep off a miserable night shift
at Cadillac so he can get up
before noon to study his German.
Works eight hours a night so he can sing
Wagner, the opera you hate most,
the worst music ever invented.
How long has it been since you told him
you loved him, held his wide shoulders,
opened your eyes wide and said those words,
and maybe kissed his cheek? You've never
done something so simple, so obvious,
not because you're too young or too dumb,
not because you're jealous or even mean
or incapable of crying in
the presence of another man, no,
just because you don't know what work is.

Just do something.

2012-01-27T01:14:00.003-05:00

God is not a Magic 8-Ball we shake up and peer into whenever we have a decision to make. He is a good God who gives us brains, shows us the way of obedience, and invites us to take risks for him. We know God has a plan for our lives. That's wonderful. The problem is we think He's going to tell us the wonderful plan before it unfolds. We feel like we can know -- and need to know -- what God wants every step of the way. But such preoccupation with finding God's will, as well-intentioned as the desire may be, is more folly than freedom.

The better way is the biblical way: Seek first the kingdom of God, and then trust the He will take care of our needs, even before we know what they are and where we're going.

-Kevin DeYoung, from Just Do Something

I Need.

2012-01-25T02:44:00.004-05:00

I need a notebook. I need inspiration. Motivation. Ingenuity. An outlet for creativity. A job. Money. Steak. And ribs. Mmm.

But really, I need to learn how to be genuine. Genuine with my work, genuine with my time, genuine with my ambition, genuine with my desires, genuine with my relationships with people, genuine with my relationship with God. How many times have I deceived myself that I had good reason in all the decisions that I've made? And yet, I come to the conclusion that a wise man had come to many, many years ago. Meaningless. Meaningless. All is vain. All is vanity. Have I reached a point of depression? A slump? Or am I finally moving on and growing up from idealism to realism. Either way, in every way, I need. I can't continue to be stifled, to stifle, to be deceived, to deceive. It's time to become more genuine. It's time to become more real with myself.

Rejoice!

2012-01-10T11:57:00.003-05:00

Hello, and happy new year!

I would like to make new year's resolutions, but from experience in the past, I think they might soon become obsolete. I am not not hopeful, though. I am anxious, a little tired and restless, but hopeful.

This past month spent in Korea was refreshing. Conversations with my parents, though tainted with some bickering and fruitless fights, were gentle and loving reminders of wise truths. I am thankful to God for my parents; I could not have better. I am thankful to God for the church he has planted in that area through my parents. Much work has yet to be done, and many more workers are still needed, but I rejoice in the fruit of their labor and the peace that God has granted them. Parting is always bittersweet.

I am reminded today of something that was given to me in glimpses this past month.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice! Always. There are many things that I am anxious about, but God tells me to rejoice -- He is at hand.

Notes and Reflections.

2011-10-30T23:42:00.009-04:00

I'm still here! Surprisingly enough, ehe. I don't know if anyone still reads this, but I guess a lot of my blog entries serve as my diary entries. I feel I need to write down the things that have happened and the things that are happening right now -- for present reflection, for future reflection. For thanksgiving and for growth.

In any case, much has happened since I've last written. For one thing, I graduated from my Masters program! When I look back at my two years in grad school, the first thing that I realize is that time goes by really fast. I mean really super ultra fast. And I start to wonder if all the time and money were worth the education I received. Probably? Or probably not, but I think I've come out of the program less naive. I wouldn't say more mature because I still don't have a clear idea what I want to do in terms of career.

I'm looking for a job in public health. I feel I've just started searching, applying, and waiting. Nothing has turned up yet, but I am still hopeful. More updates to come later.

I have a new roommate -- Kim! She's a lot of fun, and we have a blast living in our new apartment together. Much of our time is spent sitting in the living room, turning on a movie in the background, working on our computers, cooking meals, and eating together. I am really blessed to have her as a roommate!

My sister is married. I spent two to three months in California helping her with her wedding that took place at the end of July. Wedding preparation was slow progress, but we got there, and the wedding turned out beautifully. I still can't believe she's married. But at the same time, I can. It's different. I've mentioned it before, but as much as I'm happy for my sister, I feel as if I've lost a big piece of home. We now have different names, different families, different paths, and different lives. It's sad in many ways, but I guess this is just a part of growing up. Life.

I am now a member of a church! Maranatha Grace Fort Lee. It's pretty (well, really) exciting. This is my first time becoming an official member of a church. Much of my childhood and junior high/high school years were spent at my dad's church (at which I guess I was a member by default), and much of my college years were spent serving in a campus ministry but not a single church. I'm realizing more and more the importance of being a member of a local body, not only for genuine community, but for spiritual growth and edification, and ultimately for the effective preaching and sharing of the Gospel. I love the community of people at this church, and I love that everything is centered around the Gospel. I've missed this. I needed this. I need this.

I miss Africa. How are you really doing? Carlos, the local volunteers, the Maforga missionaries, the girls, Betina. I want to see and experience again. I want to go again. Maybe for a longer and more indefinite period of time. More of the people, more of the simplicity, more of their love, more of God's workings in that place. I feel I was meant to do more there. Is this longing a calling? If so, what tools and talents do I have, and what talents can I invest in for this calling?

I miss my family. The togetherness that was once us.

I need to pray more. Relationships. Ki Won. Marriage. Life.

I need to understand more. I need to love more. I need more humility. I need more wisdom. I need to let go of my pride.

How.

Some notes and reflections from James:

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but it is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peacable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

Mama!

2011-05-08T00:17:00.003-04:00

I Heart Spring!

2011-05-02T00:59:00.006-04:00

Spring is here, and I am so happy with the weather change :) Except for the allergy symptoms that spring brings, I love everything about spring. And spring in New York! Just lovely. The warmth and vibrant colors. The freshness, the blossoms, the new beginning.

And I love cherry blossoms! For the longest time, I didn't know what they looked like -- after google searches and random spottings of pink-blossomed trees on campus, I started to call every pink tree a cherry blossom tree. Ki Won and I finally concluded that they must be the wispy, lighter-pink ones (first two pictures below), but later found out they were actually the darker pink ones. We were a little disappointed, but at least we now know what they look like!

Here's a taste of the beautiful spring season in New York. Spring, I will surely, surely miss you when you're gone ;)

At the Brooklyn Botanic Garden for Cherry Blossom Festival with Ki Won and roommates, 4.30.11.

Yay for spring!!

He Was Wounded for Our Transgressions.

2011-04-22T22:43:00.001-04:00

Behold, my servant shall act wisely;
   he shall be high and lifted up,
   and shall be exalted.
As many were astonished at you—
   his appearance was so marred, beyond human semblance,
   and his form beyond that of the children of mankind—
so shall he sprinkle many nations;
   kings shall shut their mouths because of him;
   for that which has not been told them they see,
   and that which they have not heard they understand.
Who has believed what he has heard from us?
   And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
For he grew up before him like a young plant,
   and like a root out of dry ground;
   he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,
   and no beauty that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men;
   a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
   he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he has borne our griefs
   and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
   smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was wounded for our transgressions;
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
   and with his stripes we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
   we have turned—every one—to his own way;
   and the LORD has laid on him
   the iniquity of us all.
He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
   yet he opened not his mouth;
   like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
   and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
   so he opened not his mouth.
By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
   and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
   stricken for the transgression of my people?
And they made his grave with the wicked
   and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
   and there was no deceit in his mouth.
Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him;
   he has put him to grief;
   when his soul makes an offering for guilt,
   he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
   the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand. Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied;by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,
   make many to be accounted righteous,
   and he shall bear their iniquities.
Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many,
   and he shall divide the spoil with the strong,
because he poured out his soul to death
   and was numbered with the transgressors;
   yet he bore the sin of many,
   and makes intercession for the transgressors.

-Isaiah 52:13-53:12

We are together.

2011-01-04T03:32:00.001-05:00

12.31.10

On Another Note.

2010-12-05T21:28:00.003-05:00

I love Top Chef!

Except for Season 5, I've been avidly following all seasons of every type -- regular Top Chef, Top Chef Masters, Top Chef Just Desserts, and now, Top Chef All Stars. My favorite(s) so far: Season 6 (seemed like the most talented bunch of chefs as of yet) and Top Chef Masters Season 1 (chefs seemed to have a genuine love for food and what they do. Loved the humility most chefs demonstrated. Love Hubert Keller).

It's funny because I don't really cook, but I love watching other people cook. Or watching other people cook food competitively. Or maybe I just love food ;P

Personally, I hope Jennifer Carroll wins. Maybe Angelo. A lot of people are rooting for Richard Blais, but he believes so much that he Should win (or that he should've won his season) that I naturally think that he Shouldn't. Besides, his using liquid nitrogen for everything has become cliche. He calls it molecular gastronomy, but I call it basic science.

Go Top Chef!

Reflections.

2010-12-02T21:04:00.001-05:00

It's almost the end of the first semester of my final year in grad school. As the end of my graduate studies is approaching, I find myself still asking the same question -- what do I want to do with my life? What does God want me to do with my life?

In many ways, I feel like I've matured a little more, gained a little bit more insight, tasted something I'm meant to do since I came back from Africa. But in other ways, I feel I haven't made any progress. There is still that big, tangible and practical question of what. What exactly is it.

Don't you get those sudden urges to quit everything and do what seems most pleasant? Not even what seems the easiest -- nothing in life comes easy. But things like going off to music school or culinary school, opening a restaurant and starting a band, or writing a book and making a movie. Dreams you've had since you were a kid. Are these dreams worth pursuing? Or are these lofty ideas where you would live for yourself and you yourself alone. It's a temptation, I suppose.

I've been pushing this decision off for a while, buying me some more time to think about the "what." Or rather, to Not think about it. But reality is here, and a decision must be made.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-24T23:30:00.001-05:00

Almost There.

2010-11-22T00:31:00.000-05:00

I think I'm ready for this semester to be done with.

As much as I prefer being busy than not, I can't remember pulling all-nighters since college. And real all-nighters for that matter. Having to write four papers in one week. No joke. Where did all the yuh-yoo go??

Be careful what you pray for. Haha.

I Wannabe.

2010-11-02T16:06:00.001-04:00

"You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet. You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." -Matthew 5:13-16

Papa!!

2010-10-31T22:07:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday, Daddy!!

;)

hello again, fall!

2010-10-09T00:59:00.007-04:00

ah, it's been too long, and summer has already gone!!

hello, friends -- it's good to be writing again :)

much has happened this summer and since this summer. so much has happened that i feel... older. i feel i have grown at least 5, maybe even 10 years older. but that's probably an exaggeration. i look at myself right now, and i'm still a kid. ;)

just to give an update on some of these events:

(1) this summer was the first time i experienced a 9-5 job. every weekday, i woke up around 7am, got ready, left my apartment around 8am to catch the subway downtown, arrived at my workplace around 9am after a one-hour commute. work involved sitting in front of a computer all day, and though it was sometimes grueling, it was better than having a lot of time to kill. a one hour commute back to my house, and i didn't want to do anything productive for the rest of the night. the joy of receiving a real paycheck (well, sort of. a meager $11/hr.!). i've never experienced fridays like working people have -- TGIF.

(2) korea! oh, how i missed my family ;) i hadn't seen my parents in more than 2 years. i've last seen my dad in january 2008 and my mom in may 2008. it was kind of emotional because only then did i realize how much i missed them. and so much has happened since 2008! i've never actually had the chance to sit down and talk with them about africa. or school. or life. it was such a short amount of time and so much catching up to do. not only on my part, but also on theirs. their lives have changed. they have changed. greyer strands of hair, deeper wrinkles on their faces, somewhat tired and almost burnt out. makes me a little sad.. but their church in korea is blossoming and starting to bear fruit, something that i am so thankful for. i've been so... heartbroken for them since i don't know when, and seeing them almost settled and peaceful -- i am so blessed. it still aches when i think about how much they're toiling in their ministry and how i can't physically be there to help them along the way, but i am so encouraged by their selfless and servant hearts. i was just getting familiar to how things were. it was so hard saying goodbye because i had just come home.

(3) ki won and his mom's visit of my family in korea. a little awkward at first, but good. surreal, to say the least! ;)

(4) second year of school. already?? this semester has definitely been busier than either of last year's semesters. i thought i would have a relatively relaxed schedule, but at the last minute, i took a TA position that is kind of taking over my life. i was afraid that i would be a horrible teacher, and although i was at first (ehe), i honestly have to say that i enjoy it. i look forward to teaching in class, even though a lot of work and preparation are involved, and i like having to push myself in order to find better ways to present the material. i find it amusing that i have students who seem to be there just to provoke me and those on the opposite spectrum who are my loyal fans (to whom i really want to say -- i Love you guys! haha). anyway, i don't know where this is leading me, but maybe, just maybe, i have found something in this. hmmm... haha, but anyhow, this past week was a mess in terms of my own performance in other classes. which means. i need to manage my time well and focus. on the big picture.

(5) hm. not a life-changing event, but i have to share. stephen colbert!! i had the chance to go watch his show taping live in nyc. how i got the tickets is a long story. but it was free, and it was glorious! well, almost. ;)

there are many more things to this list. but all in all, these past months have been... a learning process. a struggle, almost, to reach this point. but it was worth it. yet there is still so much more to learn!

life.

:)

Two Troublemakers.

2010-07-24T12:10:00.002-04:00

Congratulations!

HOT.

2010-07-06T21:10:00.004-04:00

92 oF in New York City!!

The air conditioner in my room broke (?), so I'm left here to melt and mold.

But just to give you a photo recap of this past fourth of July weekend :)

I had the chance to view the fireworks standing from the West Side Highway, which was closed down in certain parts to allow people to watch the show by the Hudson River.

Happy Summer!!

Freedommm!!!

2010-07-02T21:00:00.020-04:00

For 3 days :)

Just another update:

(1) I started work/internship this week on Monday! I hated having nothing to do after school ended, but after getting used to bumming around for the past month, I've been dreading to go to work. Despite this initial dread, though, it's actually been good :) I get up at 7:15am, take a shower, and commute to work, which is about 45 minutes away by subway/walking. Waking up this early hasn't been that bad; it just gets more difficult as days progress from Monday to Friday.

Anyhow, I started this internship with another girl who's also from my school, and I'm pretty glad she's in this with me -- mutual experiences and... mutual suffering?? We sit in front of our computers all day typing in programs, and because we've just started getting used to the data, we often take a break for a couple of minutes and share our discoveries and frustrations. It's personally frustrating because I'm still such a novice at SAS, but I'm sure once I get past this hurdle, I'll start to enjoy the fruit of our labor.

(2) Long weekend! But Ki Won is gone. To Turkey!! Bahhhhh. I feel I can't fully enjoy the taste of freedom because of this big hole. But I think this weekend will be a restful break regardless, especially after the first week of work. For one thing, I can sleep in tomorrow!! Yayyyyy~ And in other things, there is... much to do and much not to do :)

Enjoy your freedom!

Sweet Summer.

2010-06-28T00:32:00.011-04:00

I'm back!

As much as I wanted to write regularly, this blog has turned out how I kind of imagined it to turn out -- neglected and unkempt. While I'm disappointed in the infrequency of my blog-writing, I'm glad I still have an outlet for personal rants, anecdotes, and random observations and musings.

Much has happened in the past couple of weeks, and much hasn't happened in the past couple of weeks. To summarize, I would say:

(1) Summer is here! I'm excited about the more than warm weather and the boosted level of weather-induced happiness. The refreshing feeling of eating fresh fruit and salad. Wading in water. Wearing t-shirts and shorts.

...But not much playing. The truth is, it feels like I haven't done much playing since school ended, though I had a lot of time off; my usual visit to California during break hasn't happened, and I haven't gone on any real vacation so far. Given the planned schedule, it looks like summer 2010 won't be terribly exciting, at least until the end of August. But it'll be worthwhile. I've been so stressed these past couple of months because of the lack of calls and e-mails I received from domestic/international internships I've been applying to. School ended in mid-May, but I still had no concrete position. Even the few weeks thereafter, nothing. I was trying to compromise in my head that I could just play this summer in carefree bliss and find a part-time internship for the fall semester (completion of an internship is required by my program). But thank God -- I got an e-mail a couple of weeks ago notifying me of an acceptance in the city! Yayyy~ Maybe this internship will be one of the determining factors of the path I want to take. Hm. More to come.

(2) I've been having a lot of trouble with one of my teeth this past semester -- tooth #15. Before this past winter break, tooth #15 got chipped while munching on some chips. I went to the Student Health Service Center, and they told me that the student medical insurance doesn't cover for this kind of dental injury. No separate dental insurance -- what was I supposed to do? I waited. I signed up for dental insurance in the beginning of spring semester through my school and made a dentist appointment. I found out I actually needed a root canal for tooth #15. I got a root canal. Then I needed post-root canal treatment. It turned out that the office I was referred to for post op was very... ugh. The biggest problem I had was the staff -- the staff was not friendly; they were all abrasive and disingenuous. For various reasons, it took me a long time to change to another office. I finally got part of my post-op done last week. The dentist told me I needed my wisdom tooth out (tooth #16) to properly fix tooth #15 and finish the post-op treatment. So I got my wisdom tooth out this past Friday. (It wasn't that bad, surprisingly!) The moral of the story is: (1) sweet tooth = dead tooth. (2) Get a good insurance plan. I'm convinced I signed up for the worst available dental insurance plan; pulling out one wisdom tooth alone, with dental insurance, cost hundreds. At one point, I wanted to wave my fist at this insurance plan that my school endorses -- 'What do you cover??'

(3) Most significantly, I've been realizing even more the importance of relationships. I thought I had sufficiently recognized this, especially during these past couple of years. But I'm realizing more and more how broken I am and how I am in need of investing in something greater than personal ambition. The process of embracing. The process of letting go. The process of pursuing. The process of trying. The process of sacrificing. The process of consciously making decisions.

These past weeks have been a kind of abrupt and gentle reminder of this.

Family. I miss my family. I miss the entirety of my family. Something aches when I think about my parents. It's not even the past togetherness that I miss; it's the reality now and the seeming perpetual state of this state that ache me.

I was reminded today that my mom used to sing hymns while awkwardly playing the piano. I was reminded today that my dad once waited for me for more than an hour after school because I was running late in journalism class, only to greet me with a gentle smile on his face. I was reminded today that I once bought my brother a blue V-neck shirt that he never wore. I was reminded today what a sassy goof my sister is.

Hahh.

Sweet summer.

My Rock.

2010-05-22T00:49:00.003-04:00

When I thought, "My foot slips,"
your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.
When the cares of my heart are many,
your consolations cheer my soul.
-- Psalm 94:18-19

Drama Queen.

2010-05-14T20:28:00.001-04:00

On the rebound one passes into tears and pathos. Maudlin tears. I almost prefer the moments of agony. These are at least clean and honest. But the bath of self-pity, the wallow, the loathsome sticky-sweet pleasure of indulging it -- that disgusts me.
-- C.S. Lewis

Oh Horowitz.

2010-04-15T19:06:00.002-04:00

so funny. so fun.

Instrument.

2010-03-29T16:52:00.006-04:00

It's a wonder how the essence of so many things are dependent of the messenger.

This past week, I was somewhat traumatized by a bad visit to a doctor. Or was it a visit to a bad doctor. As much as I want to move on from this horrific experience, I can't seem to stop talking about it -- not because I feel the need to continue to vent out and de-stress, but because I feel the need to correct the injustice of it all. The gist of the visit included a blatant disregard of following general medical protocols, terrible handling of the medical exam itself, and a series of convoluted and nonsensical explanations that ensued only after I decided to call this doctor out. You would think that science and medical practice are somewhat standardized and objective: you have a problem, you try to fix it by following Steps 1 through 10 and divert to alternatives if all else fails. But alas, I forgot the part about how well practitioners must execute these steps or the part how they have to actually remember to follow these steps. I can't help but feel that had I not been assigned to this doctor at that particular time, this would have never happened. But such is life. And life goes on.

On the other side of things, I find that I enjoy a lot of coursework that isn't actually core coursework for my program. Is that a bad sign? I'm currently taking a course in health policy and administration where I learn the ins and outs of US health policy. Of course, much of the talk right now is revolved around the current debate on health reform. Although I've never been too enthusiastic about health policy and management, this field has become much more appealing since taking this course. Is it because of the subject material itself or is it because of the lecturer who delivers the material? The professor of this course has been receiving rave reviews for his clear articulation of key concepts (he's a lawyer), humor and easy-going nature while presenting the subject, and obvious enthusiasm for the subject that infects others to listen attentively. Class is held once a week from 5:30pm to 8:20pm, and lectures are taped and broadcasted online for students to access. You would think that 3-hour evening lectures and the availability of online lectures de-motivate students to come to class. But it's not surprising to find the lecture hall packed with almost 200 students every Monday night.

So what is it then? What's my point?

Helene Grimaud, a pianist speaking from the documentary Note by Note: the Making of Steinway L1037, says it well:

"I always felt that what is communicated during music-making is more important than the vehicle with which you communicate. But I still think that if you have the freedom of an instrument that can do a lot for you, that is very responsive, that has a natural range of colors and a natural singing tone, then of course you can be capable of saying more with it."

Ultimately, don't we all want to be the best instruments in what we do and what we believe in?

Retreat with Mozambique.

2010-03-12T20:49:00.003-05:00

I'm back from a spontaneous weekend in California!

Though traveling always involves some degree of stress (i.e. almost missed my flight going to California -_-), as Jean Aimee said, this past weekend has been a wonderful retreat.

Along with the warm weather that I had missed, I spent most of this weekend with a friend from Mozambique. It was so surreal seeing Carlos in the States. Who would have imagined that I would be having lunch with Carlos in a restaurant in California?? In addition to this much welcomed surprise, I had the chance to see two other familiar faces -- Laura and Jean Aimee who also traveled to the Bay Area to see Carlos. I had spent my first month in Mozambique with Laura as she was finishing up her stay there and spent about a month with Jean Aimee during the middle of my stay in Mozambique. Though we hadn't really kept in touch, it was so good catching up with these two again, reminiscing, and sharing memorable stories of Mozambique -- stories of crossing over the border to/from Zimbabwe, coping with furry spiders and flying ants, driving along dirt roads, facing hungry season and the masses of people who knock on our doors...

Hearing Carlos speak again at Wellspring Church, of the children who die, not out of illness or disease, but of hunger, I can't help but think -- when will it stop? Much of the struggles and current happenings sound so familiar as last year's. Will these things continue to happen in a vicious cycle until who knows when? It's already 2010, and as Hands at Work's goal to reach 100,000 children by the end of this year is drawing near, I am anxious and heavy-hearted. How do you not lose hope? How does Carlos not lose hope after all these years?

I am so encouraged by Carlos' testimony. It hasn't been easy for Carlos, to say the least. But his life is so evident of God's power and his desire to continually seek God's guidance through complete trust and real prayer. I missed this so much.

Back Home.

2010-02-27T19:41:00.002-05:00

I still can't believe it, but Carlos is here in America!!

Carlos was my "supervisor" while I lived in Mozambique, but more than that, he has been my pastor, teacher, and faithful friend. He's currently here for a month to speak at churches in various parts of the country; this is his first time traveling outside of Africa, and I can't imagine what it's like for him to be experiencing a completely different world.

This coming weekend, I'll be traveling back to California to meet him. It's been more than 7 months since I left Mozambique; it's been too long.

I don't know what Carlos' exact itinerary for this weekend will be, but that will be updated as soon as I receive the information. Until then, please pray for him as he speaks to churches about the dire situations in Mozambique. Please pray for people to listen and to be moved into action.

Some Sunshine.

2010-02-24T14:23:00.010-05:00

I'm back!

While I have a lot of things to say, I think today's gloomy weather calls for a few happy memories.

My parents with their first child (aka my older sister Jeanee) on her first birthday.

Family at dad's graduation from seminary.

Collecting prizes at an outdoor church event in California.

Kyung-shin (cousin), Paul, Jeanee, and me celebrating Jeanee's birthday.

Disneyworld!! Loving our matching outfits, fanny packs, and Paul's missing sock.

Skating with our Barbie/Minnie Mouse roller skates around the hood, somewhere in Pennsylvania.

I thought the "I love you" hand sign was so cool back then, hehe.

With our next-door neighbors in Pennsylvania.

Celebrating Paul's birthday in Korea (?).

I loved that stuffed owl -- "Penguiny"-- in the first photo! An owl that I mistook for a penguin, ehe.

Paul with one of his classmates from kindergarten in Korea.

Paul was such a cute little boy!

One of my favorites.

My dad, me, and Jeanee.

Lesson one.

2010-01-23T03:12:00.003-05:00

Enough is enough.

I have long been struggling with getting my priorities straight. Maybe it's the sense of urgency I feel right now that's finally kicking me in the head. There are so many things that I need to pray for, so many things that I need to surrender before God. Will I ever come to full repentance? I can't do this on my own. I can't even work towards developing the righteous desire to draw nearer to God. I need grace. I need further understanding of this grace.

So here we go. Back to square one. Book of Job.

An online commentary writes,

It is common to suggest that the purpose of the book is to answer the age-old question, "Why does God allow the righteous to suffer?" That is certainly the question Job raises, but it is worthy to note that he himself never receives a direct answer. Nor is one given by the author, other than to answer Satan's challenge, "Does Job fear God for nothing?" We are privileged to know of the challenge of Satan, and that God allows Job to suffer in answer to that challenge, but Job is never told of this. Therefore, I suggest that the purpose of the book is: To answer the question, "How should the righteous suffer?"

While Job's questions and complaints often come close to charging God with wrong, he never crosses the line and humbly submits to God when told that the answers to his questions are beyond his ability to understand. Thus the book shows us how the righteous should bear up under suffering ("You have heard of the perseverance of Job" - Ja 5:11).

God is deserving of our praise simply on the basis of who He is, apart from the blessings He bestows.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." -- Job 1: 21

NY vs. LA vs. SF

2010-01-19T14:41:00.001-05:00

"New York is where you go to live if you’re ambitious and smart, Los Angeles is where you go if you’re ambitious but not smart, and San Francisco is where you go if you’re smart but not ambitious.”

Having lived in all three areas, I must say, this statement is somewhat funnily true.

What I Talk About When I Talk About Writing.

2010-01-19T00:59:00.006-05:00

Gosh, maybe I'm just becoming a drearier person. More serious. More grown-up. Whatever that means.

I was reading through my old xanga entries (yes, those good ol' xanga days), and though I'm glad my writing has since evolved and (hopefully) improved, I miss those days when I felt comfortable writing about silly things -- and I mean, really silly, useless things -- with silly expressions, using a lot of exclamation marks, smiley faces, and tildes at the end of phrases.

For example, what is this ridiculous entry (written on Thursday, December 16, 2004):

do u know the muffin man?

i dont.

but what i do know is that

i am exothermic; my body releases heat while studying for finals; thus the temperature of my room increases. the disorder or entropy of my life is increasing... thus my life right now is spontaneous because delta G=delta H-TdeltaS.

i study music instead of listening to it; my life contains parallel 5ths and parallel octaves and almost reaches an imperfect authentic cadence.

my life is full of contradictions. I am writing about Horner in The Country Wife; he is a horny eunuch.

the critical number of my life is 18, specifically dec. 18 when i will be going back home; thus the function of my life reaches the max or possibly the min at this point.

do you know the muffin man?

i dont.

but i'd rather know him than this.

*Note: I had a bunch of emoticons inserted between those lines, but Blogger doesn't translate them.

Or even more content-less and ridiculous (written on Saturday, February 12, 2005):

o chem...

OOOO chem...

o man...

o no..

omg.

I sometimes find myself still writing like the above, especially when venting out, but now, I correctly capitalize, correctly quote, and definitively end my sentences with a period.

I feel like I lost someting essential. Perhaps youth. Or the innocence of youth.

Or with all this science/school-talk ingrained in my brain, am I just running out of creative juice??

If the Lord Wills.

2010-01-17T17:25:00.003-05:00

I'm back in New York after a 2.5-week break in California. Although I've accomplished close to nothing, I'm glad I did just that (maybe.). For the most part, break was spent meeting up with old, new, and very random friends. For one, I had the opportunity to attend a wedding between two old friends from my college campus ministry. It's weird to think that we're already at that age. I also had the chance to see a few of my high school friends, girls who I haven't seen in 4 to 5 years. You would think that 4 to 5 years would change a lot of things about us, but we were all the same. I also bumped into a childhood friend at a very random New Year's Eve party hosted by my sister's friend's coworker's friend. We used to play hide-and-go-seek in my apartment complex parking lot, so it was surreal seeing her in a different context 10 years later.

In any case, it has been a daze being back in New York. Much of this past week has been spent in trying to retrieve my missing suitcase. I arrived at the JFK airport Sunday night only to find out that my suitcase was not on my flight. We waited at the airport to see if the suitcase was on the next flight flying from San Francisco to New York, but nothing showed up. Even after 7 full days of reasoning, whining, and complaining with American Airlines' personnel, nothing. Only a curt apology for the "delayed" bag. The week-long absence of response and the ridiculous-ness of the situation -- considering I checked in an hour early, I paid an extra 20 dollars for the checked bag, and the flight was a direct flight -- have led me to believe that my bag is now lost, and there's no use crying about it anymore. What is God trying to teach me here in the beginning of a new year?

Today's sermon at Redeemer has reminded me of this:

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. -- James 4:13-17

Goodbye and Hello.

2010-01-08T01:26:00.009-05:00

Goodbye 2009.

2009 was filled with every extreme imaginable. I couldn't have had a more colorful year, and I'm so thankful to God for that.

God continued to work in my life by showing me the work of His people in Mozambique -- Carlos, pastors working with Hands at Work, all of the local home-based care volunteers, all of the long-term and short-term missionaries at Maforga, all of the children who are eager to love and be loved. I always look back and realize what an awesome and blessed time I had there, and it always aches when I think about the extreme poverty, hunger, sickness, helplessness, and loneliness that still exist.

Returning to school has also been a blessing. I honestly don't know what I was expecting, but amidst all the complications that could have occurred, God pulled me through. I still don't know what I'll be doing in terms of career, but I feel I have more direction and purpose with my studies.

Living in New York has also been exhilarating. Scary, yes, but exhilarating. I still get made fun of because of my slow Californian ways, but I take comfort in knowing that half of New York is probably filled with non-New Yorkers.

Building upon existing relationships and making new ones have been such a huge blessing. I'm realizing more and more that location really doesn't matter. Sure, New York has its famous eateries, jazz bars, and tourist attractions, but it's the people and relationships that count.

Hello 2010.

As much as I enjoyed and learned a lot this past year, I'm looking forward to greater things this year.

I cannot lie. For some reason, I find it more difficult to focus on the greater purpose while living in the city. QTs have been much more infrequent and dry, and it hasn't been too easy finding a home church in New York, either. Maybe the distractions of city life are poor excuses, but whatever it is, I'm looking forward to finding a family of believers here and being spiritually renewed amidst these new challenges.

In the same vein, while I feel I have greater direction and purpose with my studies, I'm still confused and unsure of what this specific purpose is. What is in store for me? What is my calling? What is God's will for my life? Am I simply afraid or maybe even outright lazy of taking the next step of faith? I'm hoping and praying that He'll grant me more clarity, wisdom, and discernment during this season.

I've said it before, but I'm realizing more and more the importance of relationships. Building relationships has been by far the greatest blessing I've experienced in college, in Africa, and in New York, so I'm excited about this year's fruits.

As the infrequency of my blog-writing shows, I'm not the most disciplined person people know, and it shows when it comes to things like cooking, exercising, and studying. Sounds a lot like making New Year's resolutions (and witnessing the failures that follow), but really, I'm looking forward to a much more disciplined lifestyle.

There's much, much more, but all in all, I would say

it's time for renewal.

Almost there.

2009-12-19T01:20:00.004-05:00

I'm almost finished. I'm through with final exams. Two final papers to go. Hahhhh....

As I'm wasting yet another day not working on these papers, the anticipation and anxiety from the idea of almost being done but not quite done resulted in dreaming of being done and dreaming of what I'll be doing when I'm done. This is undoubtedly another procrastinat-izing exercise, but what can I say. Anyway, besides the more important and obvious (i.e. have a splendid time with family/friends), here's the to-do list:

Sleep.
Clean my apartment!
Be merry and sing/play Christmas songs.
Go Christmas shopping... and buy earmuffs.
Go to a bookstore and read for leisure.
Load photos and update photo albums.
Go on a random photo shoot around New York covered in snow.
Grab some good boba (in California).
Eat some good Mexican food (in California).
Figure out my life.

Talent and Charm.

2009-12-10T16:45:00.001-05:00

I can't stop watching this!

Happy Birthday

2009-12-09T00:42:00.000-05:00

Mommy!

First Snow

2009-12-05T22:55:00.002-05:00

Today was the first time it snowed this winter. So surreal, thinking that I'm living in a place where I don't have to go to the mountains to see snow. My feet are wet, and my hands are cold, but I'm loving the snow.

:)

Coming Home for Christmas

2009-11-29T23:10:00.001-05:00

I finally bought my plane tickets! For some reason, purchasing tickets roundtrip is much more expensive than purchasing them individually. So two one-way tickets it is.

December 23, 2009
Departing: JFK at 2:35pm
Arriving: SFO at 6:37pm

January 10, 2010
Departing: SFO at 2:20pm
Arriving: JFK at 10:55pm

Brilliant.

I'll see you soon. >B]

I'm a Twilight Tween?

2009-11-27T23:58:00.014-05:00

The Twilight series has got to be the most ridiculous thing ever.  The movie series is definitely prone to a lot of parodies. Like this one. I couldn't stop laughing. But again, I'm embarrassed to say -- I came back home from Africa this past July and read the entire Twilight series comprised of four books in a week and a half.  I rented the first movie and was angry at myself for spending four dollars on it. Then today, we watched New Moon at the movie theaters, only to be amused by the ridiculously awkward and corny dialogue, overly dramatic moments, and unnecessary shirtless scenes in the movie.  I wasn't disappointed; there wasn't anything to be disappointed about because there wasn't any character or plot development in the book series in the first place, especially in the second and third books. What is this mass appeal, then?? And why am I stuck in this mass when I know this is so... stupid??

Robert Pattinson definitely adds to the mass appeal factor.  I don't think it's because he's objectively "hot," as everyone says; it's because of the character that he plays -- Edward Cullen, the cold but mysterious, loyal lover. Besides the fact that he's a vampire, he's supposed to be perfect (and the book makes it seem that being a vampire actually contributes to his perfection).  I can't say much about Kristen Stewart; she's pretty, but she can't really act.  I can't say much about the character that she plays either; Bella Swan comes off as a bit bratty in the book. The only character I really appreciated in the book (and movie) was Alice.

Anyway, I'm torn between my knowledge of the series' ridiculous-ness and its strangely addicting nature. The fact is, these past couple of days, I was asking around to see if anyone wanted to go watch New Moon with me. Strong objections arose, of course, but from the spirit of having good fun from making fun of bad movies, I think some people conceded. I am sorry for that individual who conceded, ehe.  I also apologize for this entire entry written about Twilight. I'm sure I'm only one of the thousands of crazy tweens out there.

Until next time!

When Eclipse comes out.

Ha. Ha. Ha...

Much about nothing.

2009-11-23T21:59:00.010-05:00

I'm currently in one of those moods to ramble about... nothing, really. For my own amusement and perhaps yours as well.

If you haven't noticed already, I've started to (correctly?) punctuate/capitalize the letters in my sentences. I've gotten into the habit of not, especially in my blogs, and after a while, I found myself unconsciously not capitalizing in e-mails, homework, and other forms of communication where I should be. I used to think capital letters were too imposing and cold and thus less personal when written as such in blogs, but others -- well, one other -- thought not capitalizing was just childish. I disagree, but I guess it's time to grow up.
I'm currently on a one-month free trial with Netflix. It's almost amazing, with the free delivery service and instant movies you can stream online. I don't know if I want to keep this account after the trial ends, but might as well suck the juice out of this thing during the free month that I do have.
It's holiday season, and I love the Christmas decorations and lights that are filling the New York streets and stores. Besides the atmosphere of festivity and winter charm that the holiday season brings, the Starbucks holiday menu is absolutely glorious.
I'm almost embarrassed to say, but what the heck, this is my blog. I'm an avid follower of Project Runway, and this past week, Project Runway Season 6 has come to a close. I must say, though -- Season 6 was a bit disappointing. It just seemed like the show was running out of steam. Maybe it was because of the change in project location or the move of the show's broadcast from Bravo to Lifetime Television. But really, I think it was just the lackluster talent and creativity in this season's cast. You could tell -- from the content-less, nonchalant, and mild to unenthusiastic comments from the judges even when awarding designers the challenge win. I would say Season 4 is my favorite, not only in terms of talent and creativity (at least among the three finalists), but also in cast personality (which is arguable).
I didn't know it because I thought being indecisive ruled out the notion, but I discovered that in addition to being indecisive, I'm also impulsive (though being easily impressionable has got to do something with this characteristic). Today I bought a cartridge of strawberries that I doubt I will eat (at least immediately). A lady was selling strawberry cartridges on the street for a dollar each, and without reasoning, I bought a cartridge in an instant. Sure, it's a dollar, but will I really eat all those strawberries? On the larger scale of things, I recently found a used guitar on e-bay and bought it on a whim without ever having played the partiular guitar model or asking additional questions to the seller. The guitar arrived at my apartment a week later, and to my utter dismay (seriously, what was I expecting?), the guitar didn't exhibit the rich, vibrant tone I was expecting to hear, and it actually smelled a little smokey. At first I settled in my head, "This will do as my beginning guitar." But after a day of thought, I decided to return it. I was glad that the seller had a 3-day return policy. The seller wasn't too happy, though.
Elf Yourself has got to be one of the most hilarious holiday greeting card inventions this season. First having randomly encountered it live at Union Square a couple of weeks ago, then re-introduced to it by Ki Won's housemate's girfriend, I was laughing so hard at Office Max's creative concoction. Here's Ki Won's blog entry to our version of Elf Yourself. Breakdancing elves. What more can you ask for?

The End.
Until next time!

David Crowder Band

2009-11-17T21:30:00.007-05:00

This past Friday, Ki Won and I had the chance to go to a David Crowder Band concert. I haven't been to too many concerts featuring Christian music artists, but each one that I've been to emanated a different vibe, albeit all featuring Christian music. Shane and Shane -- highly expressive, often melancholic/pensive, but definitely a vocal-oriented group; their voices just blend so well together, it's sublime. Hillsong -- epic/expansive, fun, almost feel-good; just like their worship music. Starfield -- soft and powerful in one. And finally David Crowder Band -- very creative; very attuned to their technology. Their songs tend to be a bit more difficult to get used to as corporate worship music, but there was one song in particular in the band's new album that was simple yet powerful (I later found out that this song wasn't the band's original song). You can listen to David Crowder's rendition of "How He Loves" (slideshow with lyrics) here.

...We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking...

On our way to the concert...

The venue at Terminal 5, NYC.

Opening bands: Seabird and Danyew.

And finally, the David Crowder Band!

On a random note,

How is babby formed??

That Brad

2009-11-06T22:44:00.000-05:00

Girls can get a little silly sometimes.

Today, I was sitting through and listening to the lecture for my global health class. While we only meet once a week, lectures are three-hours long, and sitting through them can get a little tiring. Today, though, the professor relieved us with some video clips related to the topic being presented (the aid system and challenges encountered). While this was supposed to be a semi-serious, inspirational clip about the small pox eradication, I noticed something else that instantly caught my attention.

"Hey, is that... is that Brad Pitt narrating the video clip??" I ask the girl sitting next to me.

At first, she gives me that confused, what-a-random-question look. But after listening intently for a couple of seconds, she exclaims,

"Yeah, I think that's him!"

Other people (girls) catch on.

We all giggle and exchange 7.5 seconds of, "Whoa, that's so weird!"s, "nah ah"s, and "no wayyy!"s.

For 7.5 seconds, our side of the row experiences a boisterous, female frenzy.

For 7.5 seconds, we were all a little flustered.

new york foodie

2009-11-04T12:54:00.009-05:00

one of the many reasons i appreciate living in new york is the food.

i never classified myself as a major foodie. i don't really eat crustaceous seafood (crab, lobster, shrimp, etc), which many people consider a must-try-it type of food. i'm not too particular about the dealings of how my food should be prepared or served; if it's edible, "clean," and fills your stomach, then it's fine. but what with all the famous restaurants, bakeries, and other eateries in the area, i can't help myself but welcome this new realization -- that quality food is something worth experiencing and enjoying.

yesterday, i joined ki won and a group of his school friends to try momofuku noodle bar's "chicken dinner" for lunch. apparently, reservations must be made months in advance to indulge in the restaurant's gourmet fried chicken (i didn't know there was such a thing as quality fried chicken), but one of ki won's housemate got lucky. it was beautiful. it was quality. it was "a powerful ministry," as carlos would call it. and we were stuffed.

happy belated birthday

2009-11-01T21:13:00.000-05:00

daddy!

i miss us.

freedom with a mental glitch and a mental itch

2009-10-29T21:20:00.003-04:00

i am currently sitting down in my room listening to the beatles and munching on a bowl of cocoa puffs.

life is good.

i just finished my last midterm for this round of exams! i don't know if i did well or not, but my point is, i'm free! at least for another week or so.

it's funny, though, when i examine my test-taking behavior. as mentioned in the previous entry, i'm a horrible test taker. but i didn't know i was that horrible.

as per the usual, i was taking a long time taking the test, and i ended up being one of the last people to leave the exam room. before handing in my test, i had a couple of questions regarding some problems, so i went up to a teaching assistant and flipped from page to page pointing to problems and asking for clarification on wording and what not. but before i even finished, she just asked me,

"are you done with the test?"

"um, yeah? except for these problems i'm not sure about (i.e. which you'll be able to clarify)."

"don't overthink it. just turn in the test."

-_-

well, after some more indecisive behavior, i finally did, and i'm done!!

hahhhh

sweet respite.

on another note,

i have this crazy itch in my mind. this teaching assistant. she looked so familiar. where did i see her before? i never went to her office hours. for some reason, i see her as a hippy who i met at a church somewhere.

who knows. who cares.

my point is,

i'm done.

for now :)

love to learn, learn to love

2009-10-27T20:43:00.017-04:00

i love learning.

i'm currently a graduate student studying public health/epidemiology. people often ask me, "what is that?" let's just say it's the study of disease. and more specifically, the study of the distribution and determinants of health or disease in a population and the application of this study to the control of health problems.

anyway, being in school again puts a lot of things into perspective. i love learning, but i hate taking tests; i'm a horrible test taker. not only do i get the jitters, but because of my indecisiveness, i take a long time taking the test, and i'm usually the last one to leave the exam room. so then comes the frequent sentiment of, "why am i in school again?" or "do i really enjoy studying this?"

as often as this thought has occurred (especially during this past week of exam season), i then re-realize my initial desire to go into graduate studies: i love learning.

for example, i'm taking an environmental health sciences class. so far, we've gone through such things as indoor/outdoor air pollutants, waste management, asthma and allergens, etc. i never had an ardent interest in environmental health sciences, so at first, i was like, "air pollution? bah, that's a bunch of nonsense." but soon enough, this attitude turned into an, "oh really?" so far, this class is one of my favorite classes i'm taking this semester.

anyway, one other thing i've realized with graduate studies is that we have a ton of reading on non-textbook material, be it scientific journal articles, research papers, additional reading covering opposing theories, etc. our textbooks are actually the supplemental material to these other reading assignments. one of the reading assignments for my environmental health sciences class was, "indoor pollution in developing countries and acute lower respiratory infections in children." it basically says that there's evidence for children developing acute respiratory infections when exposed to substantial amounts of indoor air pollutants from using biomass fuels (one of the poorest fuels that have low energy content and create more smoke with more harmful pollutants). this is especially common in and relevant to developing countries where the use of biomass fuels like dried leaf, animal dung, wood, and hay is common. pregnant women and mothers with babies strapped onto their backs frequently cook indoors on open fires with these fuels, so the children are frequently exposed to these pollutants. (the paper's a little outdated, but you can read more about it here.)

in any case, reading this article brought back a lot of memories. more specifically, i remember when the wellspring church mission team came to visit mozambique while i was living in mozambique as a volunteer with hands at work. one of the mission team members was a doctor, and one of the common things he noticed was that a lot of women and children were complaining of throat irritation or lung/breathing problems. when we hear of these symptoms in africa, we tend to assume that it's tuberculosis, but in many cases, the TB test actually turns out to be negative or the disease was an infection of an antecedent cause (i.e. the pollutants and reduced bacterial clearance in the lungs makes the lungs more vulnerable to infectious agents). it may just be that these individuals have been exposing themselves to a lot of smoke inside their houses that have poor ventilation. during our visit to zimbabwe, another member of the mission team also noticed that the huts in rural zimbabwe were built differently from those in mozambique; many of them had something that looked like a chimney coming out of their huts, which indicated that there was better ventilation inside the houses. the question was, "why not in mozambique? mozambique is right across the border." with simple structural changes like this, health problems like respiratory illnesses and infections could be signficantly reduced, especially among children. sadly, though, changes like this aren't simple or immediate, especially in resource-poor areas, because they don't simply require structural changes; they require behavioral changes in an entire population.

i love learning.

but what to do with this learning and how to do it most effectively are always going to be difficult questions to answer.

dazed in consciousness

2009-10-26T01:52:00.006-04:00

don't you love it when you discover something new about yourself? i mean, you've been living with yourself your entire life, and to find something new still is quite extraordinary.

sometimes.

i've been noticing that once in a while, maybe every couple of months or so, my left eye would get a weird eye infection. i always thought it was just irritation from my contacts whenever this happened; my left eye would turn bright red, tear up, and become mildly to extremely painful. the first big case i noticed this was during korea conference before going on a mission trip to east asia in 2005; i was a bit disfunctional throughout the latter part of the conference because of this weird infection that the korean doctor couldn't identify (it wasn't pink eye). i also figured it was just from the combination of the irritation from my contacts, the humidity of the place, and the nature of being around 500 other people all the time.

anyhow, these past couple of days reminded me of that incident in 2005. wednesday afternoon, my left eye was irritating me, so i took my contacts off. i noticed that my eye was a bit red but nothing too serious to worry about. come thursday, my eye had turned bright red, tears would not stop flowing out, and it just felt like someone was stabbing my eye. i went to the student clinic where the doctor made a superficial examination; there was a scratch in my cornea, and i would need to go see an ophthalmologist at the main hospital (which is only a few buildings away!). i made an appointment for the same day, and the news that the ophthalmologist gave me after a more thorough examination was a bit surprising.

apparently, i have the cold sore virus... in my eye! this virus is commonly found in the general population, but people usually get cold sore infections in their mouth or around their mouth, especially when aggravated by a cold or flu. however, in rare cases, this virus can travel down the nerves to the eye. the ophthalmologist examined my eye and just said, "whoa, this is a whopper of a viral infection." i was given antiviral eyedrops and a heavy dose of other medication and was sent home to sleep it off.

the funny part of this entire situation was that it all felt like a dream; i remember walking from place to place, from block to block, hearing and sensing things here and there, but i couldn't really see where i was going (due to watered blurriness, sensitivity to the light, and... a baseline eye prescription of -7.5). i'm just amazed that i ended up at all the right places at the right time! new york also hit the 70s on thursday, but i was walking around in my black trench coat with my pajamas underneath; i had also forgotten my bag and wallet (which had my health insurance card...) at home so i think i seriously looked like a runaway patient wandering around the parameter of the hospital during the middle of the day.

in any case, this discovery was a bit disheartening; the infection is effectively treated whenever an outbreak occurs, but the virus itself never goes away.

so beware.

of sickness.

of weird viral infections.

of me.

of yourself.

view from washington heights

2009-10-19T03:01:00.014-04:00

i feel the cold is slowly and inevitably transforming me into a lazy homebody. i have the heater cranked up all day, and as the cold makes me unnecessarily alert, the heat makes me unnecessarily sluggish; i don't get much work done. as if this weren't enough, i have yet another distraction that must be dealt with.

i have an incredible view of the city, hudson river, george washington bridge, and new jersey from my apartment. before moving to new york, i was so worried that i would not have a place to stay, but to my pleasant surprise, i discovered that i was one of the fortunate applicants to have received on-campus housing. hah, i could sit all day and just stare out the window.

new york can be such a beautiful city.

fall firsts

2009-10-16T01:07:00.009-04:00

if it weren't for the pumpkins and fall foliage, i would think nyc completely skipped fall and moved onto winter. i walked out from my apartment today and felt, for the first time, the crisp, cold air burning my nose and stabbing the insides of the lungs of my body. it was windy and raining; i could see the fog of my breath following the currents of the drizzle.

today was the first day i wanted to skip class just because of the weather.

today was the first day i wished i lived one block closer to my school department building. i currently live one block away from my school department building.

today was the first day i realized that some items in fashion are a necessity, not a commodity. california girls wearing scarves and uggs over t-shirts and shorts -- nonsense.

today was the first day i realized that i'm really in new york.

dear world

2009-10-09T00:11:00.012-04:00

i want to write and write regularly.

i developed a bad memory and got into the habit of being lazy, so hopefully, this blog will help in straightening me out. the idea itself is a bit flawed, though: how am i going to keep this up if i'm lazy and don't remember anything?

anyway, some avid bloggers say that blogs are supposed to have a theme. i don't have a particular theme. if i were to ever have one, i'll be selfish and say that the theme is me -- or rather, my life as it is now and what i'm seeing, hearing, and learning. at best, entries will be deep reflections of the life that i'm currently living and the happenings of the moment. at worst, they'll be bad vent-out sessions or prolonged periods of silence. but for the most part, they'll be comprised of mildly entertaining anecdotes, random ramblings, inconsequential remarks, and anything of serious or silly stuff.

so thank you for reading, and

feel free to care :)